JOKES

If you know of any good jokes let me know and if they are not too rude or racist i will add them to this page for others to enjoy.

Superman was flying over Metropolis on his way to save the day when he saw Wonderwoman laying naked on the top of a skyscraper. He had always fancied Wonderwoman, so he flew down , did the business and flew off again, on to his mission. Wonderwoman exclaimed " what was that ! " The Invisable Man climbed off her and said " I don't know , but it really hurt !"

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A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. " No " he says, " the seat is empty ".

" This is incredible " said the man, " who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it ?"He says " well actually the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married ".

" Oh.....I'm sorry to hear that. Thats terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat ?"

The man shakes his head...." No they are all at the funeral ".

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I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked ok for a 61 year old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and i found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked me if i'd ever had a Sportsman's Double. " Whats that " ? i asked. " Its a mother and daughter threesome ", she said. I said " No" excidedly. We drank a bit more, then she says that " tonight was my lucky night ".

 I went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs " Mum, you still awake " ?

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Essex girl to Essex boy :

" How dare you call me a slapper, get out of my bed "!  ............."and take your mates with you ".

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Two truck drivers came to a low bridge. The clearance said 10 foot 8 inches, but when they got out and measured the truck, they realised the vehicle was 11 foot. The first man looked at the other and said " I can't see any cops around, let's go for it ".

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?

The dog. At least he'll shut up after you let him in !

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A plane was delayed nearly an hour on take-off. When it eventually took to the air, the passengers asked the stewardess the reason for the late departure.

" Well ", she explained, " the pilot was worried about a noise he heard coming from one of the engines and it took us a while to get a new pilot ".

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Paddy was driving down the road when he saw a sign outside a petrol station saying ' free sex for every fill up ' so he pulled in filled up and asked for his free sex, the attendant said " pick a number between 1 and 5 and if you get it right you can have free sex. Paddy picked 3 and the attendant said " sorry but you were close". A few days later Paddy went back and filled up again, this time he picked 2, the attendant again said " sorry but you were close ". The following week Paddy was driving past the garage and said to his friend Murphy " I think that free sex offer in the garage is a con ! " no it isn't " said Murphy " my wife had free sex there twice last week ".

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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb ?

Only one but the light bulb has really got to want to change.

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Whats the difference between a post box and an elephants bottom ?

If you don't know i'm certainly not going to ask you to post my letters !

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A man is driving along the road when he is overtaken by a chicken ! What the !! he thinks to himself and increases his speed but he can't keep up with the chicken, all of a sudden the chicken veers off through a gate into a farmyard. The man thinks, i must find out whats going on, so he stops in the farmyard, finds the farmer and asks the farmer if the chicken belongs to him.

" Yes " says the farmer " my wife my daughter and me all like a leg so i bred a three legged chicken ". " Thats amazing " said the man, " what does it taste like? " 

"I dunno " said the farmer " i can't catch the bugger " !

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Tom  goes to visit a friend and asks him how he is.

Friend : " Terrible, did you hear about Arthur " ?

Tom : " No, what happened " ?

Friend : " He came home early on Tuesday and found his wife in bed with someone. He went off and got his shotgun and shot them both. Then he went into his garage and shot himself " !

Tom : " Thats terrible, but it could have been worse " !

Friend : " How could it have possibly been any worse " !

Tom : " Well if it had of been Monday it could have been me " !

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Blind man goes into supermarket and starts swinging his dog on it's lead round his head.

Manager runs up and says  " What are you doing ! "

Blind man says " i'm just having a quick look round ".

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Landlady to new tenent : " Do you have a good memory for faces " ?

Tenent : " Yes i do "

Landlady : " Good, there is no mirror in the bathroom ".

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Q: Whats the difference between an Essex girl and a shopping trolley.

A: A shopping trolley has a mind of it's own !

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A doggy is not just for Christmas, its a good position all year round !